there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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