it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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