I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
