I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I think i got beer on your cat.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
