I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
