Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
