Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
