So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
