Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
