she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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