I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
