Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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