1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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