That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
