$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
