I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
