I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
