I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
