morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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