We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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