I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
