i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm too high and old for this...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
