I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
