this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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