Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
