The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We left the knife in your bed.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
