and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize