I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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