Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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