Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
