your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
