Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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