Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize