pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
