i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
