just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
