Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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