saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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