I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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