Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
