Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm passing your future prison.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
