i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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