Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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