What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
