she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
