Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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