What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize