I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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