Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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