Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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