nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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