My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
