everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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