just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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