My underwear smells like fireworks.
Michael Bay diarrhea
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
