he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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