Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
