please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
