i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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