I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
