So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
