I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
