Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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